for the way she narrated stories of Krishna and Rama, for slow-chanting the Sanksrit shlokas so I could repeat after her, for soft-speaking to those inside the radio when I insisted we should say hello to them,

for the way she dug the comb into my scalp, ran it down the length of my hair and tight-braided it, for pinching her nose and showing me how to take a dip in the cold waters of the “pozhai” and solve all hair problems, for closing her eyes, smiling, reliving the joy of her bountiful curls tickling her knees.

for the way she brandished the broom and shooed the  “jeem boo” monster away from under my bed, for pressing her hands to her hips and telling off the bully who snatched my pencil pouch, for pointing at the star in the twinkling sky and assuring me the same star would shine on my best friend who left town.

for the way she slurped her lips and extracted a marinated mango from the “barani,”

for the laddus she made for Diwali, for the payasam she made for my birthday, for the pappadams she made every summer, and 

for the way she tossed the ball of butter in her cracked fingers and sighed, “Kannamma, the day butter sinks in the water, the world will end,”

But I remember Ammai

for the way she wags her finger and scolds all Gods and Goddesses smiling from gilded frames, for mumbling at her reflection, for not remembering any Sanskrit shlokas,

for the way her saree crumples in the middle where the pleats line up, for wondering how to take a shower, 

for asking me, “where is Kannamma?”

for refusing to meet or speak with anyone,

for tiptoeing across the room, escaping the stares of all dolls in the showcase, 

for trying to catch shadows, 

for throwing away plates, spoons, for dumping fresh food into the sink, 

for curling up in the bed, scared, and

for telling me about the butter that had slipped down the drain years ago.

Sudha Subramanian lives in Dubai with her husband. She was a columnist in Gulf News for over 15 years. Her words have appeared in many anthologies and lit mags. A complete list of all her publications can be found on her link tree: https://linktr.ee/sudha_subramanian. Sudha is an amateur birder and a tree hugger. Connect with her on X @sudhasubraman or on IG @sudha_subraman or on Bluesky @sudhasubraman.bsky.social.